what do you think of unhappiness?

Disclaimer: I just finished reading Viktor Fankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning so I’m pretty sure I know just enough about logotherapy to be highly dangerous. Whether that’s in the good way or not is yet to be seen.

This book was seriously a page turner. I couldn’t put it down. And up until the last 40-or-so pages, was quite a simple read. Not an easy read, mind you, but a simple one.

Frankl was a well-known, well-established neurologist and psychiatrist who also happened to be a Jew in Nazi-occupied Austria. He was transported to a concentration camp where he worked as a slave laborer until the end of the war when his camp was liberated.

He spends the first half of his book sharing stories of concentration camp conversations and experiences that helped him develop a revolutionary approach to psychotherapy, which he called Logotherapy (from the Greek logos– ‘meaning‘, described in the second half of his book. The whole idea behind Logotherapy, and thus, he believes, his experiences, is that the meaning of life is fluid, unique, and conditional to a specific person at a specific time in his life, and that 

he who has a WHY can bear almost any HOW.

His ultimate belief is that “striving to find a meaning in one’s life is man’s primary motivational force” and “people who do see meaning in their lives are able to transform a personal tragedy into triumph and turn one’s predicament into human achievement.” His methods have been used from the concentration camp to the modern day, in and out of mental hospitals, for suicide prevention and recovery, in grief and loss counseling, and many, many other places. 

This book really opened my eyes as to what I believe to be the meaning of my own life, and if I’ve honestly really ever pondered it. There were numerous catchy quotes (which I’ll share at the end), but one that stuck out the most to me was this (quoted by Frankl from Edith Weisskopt-Joelson):

Our current mental-hygiene philosophy stresses the idea that people ought to be happy, that unhappiness is a symptom of maladjustment. Such a value system might be responsible for the fact that the burden of unavoidable happiness is increased by unhappiness about being unhappy.

…There are unhealthy trends in the present day culture of the United States where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading, so that he is not only unhappy but ashamed of being unhappy.

Let me back up just a moment. Frankl mentions that there are three known ways of discovering meaning in one’s life at any given time:
(1) by creating a work or doing a deed
(2) by experiencing something or encountering someone, or
(3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering

And it’s this last step that I’d like to pause on for the duration of this post. 

I’ve always been one to push people towards happiness. I think it lies within your power and choices to be happy, to even create within yourself the feeling of happiness (or rather, joy). And for those unfortunate few in my life who haven’t been able to step up their happy game, they’ve had to deal with my good intentions which almost certainly must have brought about shame. If illness or injury, loss or pain, I would press my friends to see the good in life, in God, and to remember they weren’t the only ones to suffer as they did. I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but not allowing someone to suffer nobly when the pain is unavoidable is a terrible way to relate to others.

Let me be clear, as Viktor Frankl is: suffering for suffering’s sake is not the path to finding the meaning of life. Only in the case of completely unavoidable suffering or pain can one determine meaning. Many times that doesn’t mean someone is joyful in their suffering, but it does give them courage to keep going. Like martyrdom. Finding meaning in unavoidable suffering is a huge part of the reason people can keep going through things like cancer or the loss of a child. Frankl says, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds means, such as the meaning of sacrifice.”

We live in a culture of shame. We don’t even know we shame each other and ourselves, because it’s so rampant and ingrained. But we do. 

We’ve also had a surge of shame-battling maxims come out of the woodworks, a la Brene Brown (who I will eternally love for her work). With that, we need to become aware that when we push and prod and coax people out of their pain and into a false sense of happiness (for happiness’ sake), we take from them the meaning behind their pain, again when it is unavoidable. By all means, for those suffering from incomplete grieving, circumstantial depression, or just plain having a bad day, encourage them to see past their dilemma(s) to move forward into health. Encourage them to confront and then release their pain. 

But for those facing hopeless situations (as Frankl did in the concentration camps) or the loss of special people (as one might with the passing of a parent or spouse or child), remind them that meaning can be found in suffering, too, and that once that meaning is found they can move forward. 

Release is not the only path to health.

Sometimes acceptance and embracing is what must needs be before we can move forward. The goal is not to get people to ‘happy’. The goal is to get ourselves to seek and recognize the meaning of our lives, to find meaning in every season we’re in, whether it’s a happy and pleasurable one, or a dark and painful one.

It’s not our current or future usefulness, or our past value- it’s a combination of the two. Our past values (loving and being loved, accomplishments, experiences) can never be taken away, and our current or future usefulness is not dependent on physical prowess alone; knowing there is a book to be written, a person to be loved, a child to be raised, etc… is just the reminder that we sometimes need in order to get up and keep going.

This book was a raw reminder to me to tread lightly when dealing with someone else’s pain, along with my own. When I feel useless or helpless or hopeless, how can I move forward? I believe that Frankl’s opinion that meaning is the pathway to momentum is dead on. When we have meaning, when we feel there is purpose to our days, our feet hit the ground running. And when we don’t, they often stay in bed, or drink or eat themselves to the grave.

What are your thoughts?

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Quotable Quotes!

“We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who are being questioned by life- daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct.”

“Asking what is the meaning of life is a naive query which understands life as the attaining of some aim through the active creation of something of value.
…What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.”

The true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system. The more one forgets himself- by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love- the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself.